“Romeo Romeo Wherefore art thou Romeo?
A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet”
Romeo and Juliet
Its true what is in a name?
But for me names are crucial. They define us and shape us and mould us especially how we see ourselves and how others see us. I know how we name our experiences also shape our relationships with ourselves and others. In fact how we name things, people and objects and places influence us in so many ways.
Let me start with what is on my mind today!
It is the first day of Ramadan in London, the holiest month for Muslims, the month where Muslims fast from dawn to sunset, the month when the Holy Quran was revealed! The Scripture Muslims regard as sacred and the Word of God as revealed to Prophet Muhammed is recited regularly more often this month than any other time! Ramadan means the month of heat but the name Ramadan usually is connected to fasting, reading and reciting Quran, devoting our time in extra prayer or working harder in serving the poor, needy, vulnerable in our communities, spending in charity, purifying ourselves from the attachment to material wealth. It is very rarely connected to heat unless it falls in summer!
I find it fascinating that the Holy Quran names the Songs inside it. Surah actually means Songs in Arabic which is similar to the Hebrew Sheerah which also means Songs.
Hence Muslims unlike Jews and Christians do not refer to Chapter numbers but the names of the Surahs whether that is The Opening or The Cow or The Merciful or The Event or The Bee or The Spider or Joseph or Mary when they read and discuss the Quran. Each Surah or Song therefore has a personality and charachter and we end up having a relationship with that Song or Surah. For me I have a very good and close relationship with Surah Rahman, I turn to The Merciful Song for solace and comfort and I feel very healed by The Bee Song, Surah Nahl. I love the beauty of Joseph and spirit of Mary and find The Cow very meaty and alot of wisdom, insight and information to digest. I find like a good steak I need to chew on each verse to really taste the meaning. If I read too much of The Cow I get spiritual indigestion. I feel too full and bloated and wander around feeling very uncomfortable. I love that each Song has a name, the Surah for me becomes a familiar companion and one who I call upon in times of distress, anxiety or even to share my joy!
Likewise how we name our life experiences or our roles in our lives directly shapes our relationship with ourselves and others.
For those that have suffered from trauma whether in their childhood or in the recent past or due to the fact they are surrounded by trauma due to the profession they have chosen, how we name our experiences has such a profound effect on us.
I have witnessed in 27 years of working with children and young people and their families in crisis, that many people who have experienced trauma get locked into this drama triangle changing roles in the drama of life and sometimes playing the same role throughout their life. The roles being victim, persecutor or rescuer.
One end of the triangle is the Victim who conciously and unconsciously blames others, going from one crisis to the next, never moving on from their trauma.
Or we decide to become persecutors, persecuting ourselves or others for choices we make or do not make, rather than taking responsibility for what we do or do not do.
The other end of the triangle and perhaps the more revered in society, people adopt is the rescuer. Most rescuers are seduced into denial about being locked in the drama triangle. But we are! In rescuing others from trauma, this denies us opportunity and time and energy to deal with our own trauma. We persecute ourselves by neglecting ourselves and prevent or delay our own healing. In rescuing others we feel good while we do the rescuing but our own wounds remain sore and open and neglected and sometimes become infected and start infecting us and attacking us and becoming cancerous. These wounds can also infect our relationships with those around us as we attack others with great doses of rage and bitterness that often result in destroying marriages and friendships. This bitterness and rage is often what we feel towards ourselves but mostly is unleashed to those who love us as deep wounds are usually shared to those we know that can carry them and hold them, with those we feel safe with. For some this unleashing can be positive if we are surrounded by people that genuinely love us and give us space to rage and be bitter. For many this love is not to be found and we find we are suddenly alone estranged from all that supported and cared for us.
Many of us are rescuers whether we are Doctors, Teachers, Social Workers, Nurses, Psychologists, Lawyers, Coaches or Healers! Most of us are though wounded healers who spend alot of our life denying the traumas from our own life and how much it has affected us. Alot of us rescuers deny how much we feel drowned by the trauma of our clients and patients.
We stopped naming ourselves as victims a long time ago and refused to be defined by experiences we had no control over. However although many of us survive huge affliction and adversity and are very resilient, many of us find through the years that rescuing drains us now, it has become overwhelming and has entrapped us to not looking at what we want. Some of us find ourselves exhausted and lost and we no longer recognise our selves. Perhaps we need to name what we want, what we are denying, what makes us feel alive, what we want to run away from? Perhaps we need to face our fears? Perhaps we need to name our goals and dreams?
I am Taniya Hussain a Trauma Recovery Coach who enables you to untangle yourself from unhealthy patterns of rescuing others so you can rescue yourself. I help you find what makes your heart sing and help you start living your life rather than settling for surviving. I help you unleash your bitterness and rage in a safe space, rather than unleash it to those you love and who love you, so you can free yourself from the past so you can enjoy the present and embrace the future.
I am Taniya Hussain and I enable you to name your goals and dreams but also support you to achieve them.
If you want to transform your life, why not schedule a clarity call with me?