This week I am talking about BREAKING. Breaking as I said before is essential if you want to know yourself and heal. Breaking is also inevitable in life! As a Trauma Recovery Coach, I focus on breaking patterns with my clients. I know whether that is in my own recovery or when witnessing my Clients recovery, this is when key shifts occur and dramatic transformations result. I know when I have broken a long established pattern even those that are embedded deep in my unconcious, I lose weight, gain confidence, attract that Client, improve my relationships etc.

Some of you may have had traumatic experiences or are currently going through a traumatic experience. With rising Racism, Islamaphobia, Sexism, Anti-Semitism, Homophobia, Poverty, Wars in the world, Gun Crime and Knife-Crime in major cities in our world, wherever I look nowadays I see turmoil and trauma. I know many of you have these traumas to deal with but also the trauma of your Clients or Patients to hold.

Some of you who are reading this are Coaches, Social Workers, Doctors, Nurses, Teachers, Psychologists, Youth Workers and Volunteers, the list is endless. Whether you are paid for the work you do or don’t, I know supporting someone who has had traumatic experiences, is no easy task. In holding the Client’s Trauma, you end up breaking promises to your partner as you stay in the office or hospital an hour later instead of being on time for your Netflix date. In holding the Client’s Trauma you end up not being able to sleep! In supporting your Patient, you use all your lunch break as you fundamentally believe that the Client’s needs come first! It never dawns on you, that you are dividing yourself to your detriment. You feel afterwards when the storm has been sorted and the crisis resolved, you feel like you are breaking or already broken. You feel like a washed out cliff whose edges cannot take any more.

The pattern of putting myself last and everyone first, I developed at a very young age. Most of my life it was unconcious, some of it based on seeing my mother live this philosophy. However most of this pattern was weaved into my consciousness by Bollywood films such as Mother India. I was fed this diet of self-sacrifice from a very young age!

I absorbed it like alcoholics absorb alcohol or fish absorbs water.

I know most women struggle with this but many Men and Women like you, who end up in Caring Professions struggle with this! Maybe, like me, you have done this all your life? You do not know any other way. I know you are tired of reading blogs, self-help manuals, books or articles that tell you the importance of putting yourself first. I am sure you may have noticed that hardly any of them talk about how you can put yourself first. Hardly any of them give you steps to get you to put yourself first!

So let me put you out of your misery! To break the pattern, start small and simple. Start by having that lunch break once a week! Start by going home on time on Mondays or Fridays. Put an alarm on your phone to get you to leave the office half an hour earlier than you usually do. Book a date with yourself and reward yourself with an activity for one hour that you like doing. If you start small and simple, it is mostly likely that you will achieve it.

The other step you can do in breaking the pattern is to start saying no to people. At first you are going to feel guilty, strange and this is going to be difficult but you are soon going to find it becomes easier.

Thirdly you can start spending some time by yourself, start with fifteen minutes to listen to your thoughts and feel your feelings without the distraction of your phone, TV or any other device. If you like meditating meditate or just sit in silence. I would then advise increase these 15 minutes to 30 then to 1 hour. This period by yourself doesn’t have to be spent in silence, but needs to be spent in a way that helps you hear your thoughts and feel your feelings. I find listening to music helps me but you may find painting or colouring or cooking helps you do this. Each person is different but solitude is the key.

These are some ways that helps me in difficult times and helps me untie myself from the turmoil of my client’s traumas. I find these steps can make me feel very uncomfortable but breaking out of your comfort zone is necessary!

It is necessary if you want to escape and break out of the drama triangle. Some of you will be familiar with the drama triangle but some of you may not! I will talk more about breaking out of your comfort zone and drama triangle in another blog.

For now, I hope I have helped you understand the importance of breaking patterns.

If you want to explore breaking patterns in more detail, why not schedule a clarity call with me?



Having qualified as a Social Worker in July 1991 from Coventry University, it has been over two decades that I have been on the front line working with children and young people who are traumatized and on the margins of society. Although I studied Psycho-dynamic counselling for two years at Goldsmiths College (1991-1993), I decided to integrate Psycho-dynamic theories and skills into my Social work practice and flirt with and immerse myself in studying Islam as well as interfaith dialogue and friendships. For the last 20 years, I have been working in a multi-disciplinary Youth Offending Team in South London, comprised of Professional colleagues from different faiths and cultural backgrounds trying to support young people in the criminal justice system. I am married and mother to three sons, and juggle Social Work and interfaith dialogue with my writing, studying and the needs of home and family.


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