June 12, 2018

Breaking Part Three

Breaking out!

Breaking out of my comfort zone is something, I want to detail here, as it lead me to have powerful shifts in how I think and feel and live. I know if I had stayed walking on the well beaten track, I had always been walking, I would not be the Confident woman I am today. Breaking out of your comfort zone is a term Coaches use alot! I want to really break it down for you.

Breaking out of my comfort zone has lead me to really appreciate the simple pleasures of life instead of chasing some elusive dream of success. Breaking out of my comfort zone had lead me to appreciate the people in my life who I used to take for granted. Breaking out of my comfort zone has lead me to devote my energies into activities that excite me, enthrall me and revitalise me instead of wasting my time and energy into activities that drain me.

I broke out of my comfort zone, firstly by asking myself, what is it that I want, rather than doing what I think people expect me to do.

I broke out of my comfort zone by putting myself first. This was no easy task as all my life I have been taught as most women are that selfish people put themselves first.

Light bulb moment!

I decided to put myself first, one day, about ten months ago after I had this light bulb moment! I was recalling a recent flight, I took and the air steward was going through the emergency procedures. She said the usual statements and demonstrated the usual scenario that it is important that you put your oxygen mask first before you put it on your child! Although, I was on my own, I recall laughing out loud as I realised putting myself first means my survival. I may feel uncomfortable, nervous, scared in putting myself first but I realised it is not inevitable that I will become selfish. How I regard putting myself first is a matter of perception.

Becoming an Entrepreneur!

Breaking out of my comfort zone in this way, lead me to start this Coaching and Consultancy business. I always wanted to start a business but never had the time or energy for it. I realised the time and energy I wasted in being passive watching that television programme or reacting to Political events, I could invest in creating a business that served others. I decided to offer my Services that I have always given in a piecemeal ad hoc fashion to individuals and some organisations but to deliver it instead in a focussed, wholehearted, structured and disciplined way. Becoming an entrepreneur has pushed me into unfamiliar scenarios where I have had to speak in public, be on TV and I have had to invest alot of money and time. While all these experiences have been very scary, it has resulted in me understanding myself more. I realise my strengths and my limitations much more as well as what I need to do myself and when I need to ask for help. I am of course still learning about myself as this continues throughout life, it just feels a more exciting this journey.

Panic zones vs Comfort zones!

As a Trauma Recovery Coach, I have discovered that when you yourself have been traumatised or are in a Profession or Volunteer to support people who have been traumatised, your comfort zone is paradoxically when you are anxious, scared, stressed or panicked. Therefore your panic zone is when you feel comfortable and relaxed. You thrive therefore on the chaos, crisis and panic. You thrive on the adrenalin rush. As a Trauma Recovery Coach, I have concluded that is why some people, spend their entire lives trapped within the drama triangle, going from one crisis to another because that is what feels familiar for them. Does this sound like you? Do you think you may be doing that?

Of course you may be doing this without realising that you are doing it, as most of our behaviour is done unconsciously. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the drama triangle, let me break it down for you.

The drama triangle!

The drama triangle is a Social model that was conceived by Stephen Karpman who published his work in 1968. I have seen in my life and the lives of my clients that people play different roles, sometimes playing each role interchangeably and sometimes seeking out a particular role for their entire life. The three roles in this drama triangle are victim, persecutor and rescuer. I know when you have been traumatised that you feel like a victim, the truth is you are a victim. However I know you can choose to spend your life being a victim or playing the victim or you can choose not to be. I know that when you have been traumatised you can choose to be a rescuer or play the rescuer. I know most of my life I wanted to rescue others. I also know that when being the victim or the rescuer, you end up feeling persecuted by others or persecuting yourself or even persecuting others as you are tired of rescuing. You realise that it was never your responsibility to rescue anyone, others have to rescue themselves. You realise you really wanted to rescue yourself from the trauma you experienced. Perhaps like me, you realise that your purpose is to heal others and in healing others you heal yourself. Perhaps in healing yourself, by putting yourself first, you realise you no longer feel like a wounded healer that you have felt all your life. Perhaps by tending to your wounds by having that warm bath and soaking in bath salts instead of painting your friend’s bathroom, you have started stepping onto the road of self- care? Perhaps by just reading this blog you have started on a journey that means you can give yourself permission to be comfortable in slowing down and simplifying your life and caring for yourself. I hope that you carry on this journey with me as I show you by another series of blogs and posts how I created massive transformations in my life. I hope when breaking out of your comfort zone that the terrors and turmoil transform into joy and excitement. I hope breaking out of the drama triangle results for you living an authentic life that feels real and meaningful rather than a life that you always felt you are living for others! If you want to explore the drama triangle in more depth, why don’t you schedule a clarity call with me?




Having qualified as a Social Worker in July 1991 from Coventry University, it has been over two decades that I have been on the front line working with children and young people who are traumatized and on the margins of society. Although I studied Psycho-dynamic counselling for two years at Goldsmiths College (1991-1993), I decided to integrate Psycho-dynamic theories and skills into my Social work practice and flirt with and immerse myself in studying Islam as well as interfaith dialogue and friendships. For the last 20 years, I have been working in a multi-disciplinary Youth Offending Team in South London, comprised of Professional colleagues from different faiths and cultural backgrounds trying to support young people in the criminal justice system. I am married and mother to three sons, and juggle Social Work and interfaith dialogue with my writing, studying and the needs of home and family.


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