Joy and Sorrow

The morning after I discovered my former Client was murdered was harder than the day I discovered the news.

I got angry at my youngest son.

I didn’t lose it luckily.

I reigned it in my temper but I heard my raised voice and felt I was going to unleash a tirade, he did not deserve.

I realised this would not bring my Client back.

I somehow got my son breakfast and somehow bid him goodbye and got on with the rest of my day.

Again I did a day’s work as a Social Worker seeing difficult Clients, attempting to write the Pre Sentence report.

I felt nauseous at one point and hungry the next and full at another time.

There were times yesterday when I stood up and I felt my legs shaking unsteadily not being able to support myself but I carried on.

The Assistant Director came to see me, she hugged me and made me a cup of tea.

We had a conversation about the work I did with this former Client and there were many silences.

I appreciated the guesture and heard clearly the permission she gave me that if it all gets too much, I could go home.

I needed to hear that.

I carried on regardless, although still in shock and numb from the news.

It is not everyday a Client that you worked with gets murdered.

I somehow got through the rest of the day.

I left the office at 515pm to travel to my middle son’s school to attend the Parent’s evening to find out about his progress. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably when I got off the bus to catch the train.

The pain hit me then.

I allowed myself to feel it, the raw, deep loss.

I had felt it earlier when I spoke with the Speech and Language Therapist in my Team snd the Team Manager of another team that had helped his family. In these telephone conversations, I allowed myself to release the tears, to let them fall. I smiled at myself at my progress. There was a time when crying at work just made me feel weak and I was ashamed.

Now I know my strength is my vulnerability and my vulnerability is my strength.

I got feedback at my son’s parent evening. My middle son who attends a Specialist school is maturing and becoming a very sensitive and empathetic young man was the feedback who is reporting to school how grateful he is for his family.

To know my son is grateful for the love my husband and I provide is so heartwarming.

It gave me so much joy.

I returned home though exhausted.

Joy and Sorrow.

Right now I am on another emotional roller coaster.

I am mindful that it leaves me with no emotional energy for the Business or myself in the evenings.

I reserved what time, energy and space I had left for my youngest son. I helped him to pack last minute items for the residential trip with his school.

I also decided to practice what I preach to my Clients and went to bed early.

Self-care is key!

I know instinctively I need to look after myself.

Right now and in the next couple of weeks and months, I am treading very difficult waters.

I need to be kind to myself.

I want to be kind to myself.

I am being kind to myself.

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