June 20, 2019

Yesterday rewritten!

I am tired as I write this but am so relieved that I was so focussed yesterday.

I managed to make some headway with the Court report due on Tuesday next week.

I survived my up and down emotional state.

Yesterday though I was focussed and using the skills of being focussed which I have acquired when being an Entrepreneur, I was successful in my job as a Social Worker.

I allowed myself to feel.

I felt the resentment rise in me that things seemed to return to being normal.

I felt my irritation that the team meeting did not really address the incident.

I also felt relieved that it wasn’t mentioned too.

I couldn’t cry anymore.

I felt I had no more tears to shed.

I also wanted to get on with my work.

I was relieved when my Supervision meeting was cancelled and I get the time to focus on the Court report.

I decide to focus on nothing else.

I ended up having a productive afternoon and managed to leave the office at 5pm.

I took the bus to my counselling session.

I arrive at 555pm and share my story of shock, horror and pain regarding my former Client’s murder.

I share the song I have written on my way to the session.

It is a version, my version of yesterday, the Beatles song.

In fact I sung it to my Counsellor.

The song really conveys the emotions of my journey of me transitioning from an Employee to becoming an Entrepreneur.

I use the session to explore the thoughts and feelings I have regarding the murder and what it triggers for me personally.

I am able to connect to some deep unresolved questions and feelings.

I leave my Counsellor at 650pm and walk home.

I arrive home and sit with my family for 30 minutes.

It is an uneasy time.

I suddenly feel tired and irritated by normalcy.

There is conversation about normal stuff.

My three days this week have not been normal though.

I get cross with my eldest son.

I realise I am emotionally very fragile and I am relieved that I am being kind to myself and not pushing myself with the Business in the evenings and focussing instead on what generates results i.e. preserving my energy and my space. The business cannot thrive without me and if I am not thriving there is no future with the Business. It will become a job and not a labour of love.

I want to impact people, the money is a side effect.

However to generate revenue, I need Clients and that is how I impact people the whole raison d’etre for the Business is to impact people.

I cannot impact anybody being emotionally, mentally and physically and spiritually exhausted.

I retire early to bed at 1045am.

I instinctively know I need to rest.

I switch the light off at 1055pm.

I realise today has given me perspective, clarity and focus.

I lay down feeling hurt at my loss, at a loss of a young man that was just starting in life.

I close my eyes feeling peace that in his life, I helped him and he knew I was there for him.

I close my eyes at peace for all I do have, a loving husband, three gorgeous sons, a home, a job and a growing business.

I swallow my own advice, to see the glass half full not half empty.

I feel the glass half full, no serenity is pouring over, the cup is over flowing.

If anything in this blog has really resonated with you and you would like to discuss the subject further with Taniya privately then use this link.




Having qualified as a Social Worker in July 1991 from Coventry University, it has been over two decades that I have been on the front line working with children and young people who are traumatized and on the margins of society. Although I studied Psycho-dynamic counselling for two years at Goldsmiths College (1991-1993), I decided to integrate Psycho-dynamic theories and skills into my Social work practice and flirt with and immerse myself in studying Islam as well as interfaith dialogue and friendships. For the last 20 years, I have been working in a multi-disciplinary Youth Offending Team in South London, comprised of Professional colleagues from different faiths and cultural backgrounds trying to support young people in the criminal justice system. I am married and mother to three sons, and juggle Social Work and interfaith dialogue with my writing, studying and the needs of home and family.


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