Killjoy

Right now I am the happiest I have ever been.

Yet I am not enjoying the moment, the here and now.

That has always been my difficulty.

Running to the future.

Living in the past.

On this Quest with loads of questions.

When will it end?

This frenzied energy to find Peace.

Yet in certain moments I find the joy.

For the joy only to be killed by the “what if” or the “you need to be” or “you should be doing this” or similar thoughts.

You are familiar with all those thoughts.

Killjoy thoughts I call them.

Killjoy I call that Shadow who always wants to know it all.

But it is the unknowing, the not knowing, the doubt that is the deepest knowing.

It has always been the way for me.

My mind though is obsessed with seeing the results.

Yet even when I have the results in front of me, the mind doesn’t believe it or is bored by them.

I then chase after the next Shiny object offering respite from this Quest.

The Quest with loads of questions.

Never enjoying the moment.

Any joy being killed in that moment.

Happiness can be bitter sweet.

But this feels beyond ungrateful.

Time is very much inside our heads.

Our sense of time.

Yet I remember all those times in celebrating and living each moment, from moment to moment a sense of serenity, joy, elation and jubilation.

Golden memories etched on the brain.

Golden memories to harvest.

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