Introduction

If you have been following me on Facebook or reading these blogs/articles, you will have realised that the Four S’s that I wrote about in March, Sitting in silence, Self-care, Simplifying and Slowing down need to be practiced first before the Three E’s are. The Three E’s are:

1.Exploring all your relationships. 2.Excavation of your real thoughts and feelings.

3. Expressing your authentic self or your real thoughts and feelings.

The Four S’s, I refer to as the Personal Alchemy Journey.

The Three E’s, I refer to as the Identity Alchemy Journey.

The Spiritual Alchemy Quest

These journeys I have taken myself when I embarked on The Spiritual Alchemy Quest back in August 2017 to February 2018. Foolishly I thought at one time, I was the only one who has embarked on this Quest that led me and still leaves me living a fulfilled life. Mine was dramatic and deeply transformative and lasted seven months. It was seven months of hell and also seven months of heaven. I experienced both at the same time. The Four S’s I practiced diligently not because anyone told me to but because it was what my gut was saying to do. I was not in therapy at the time. I hired a Coach when I was in the final part of the Quest, the Emotional Alchemy Journey so no Coach suggested that I sit in silence, slow down, practice loads of self-care and simplify my life. I did all these activities because my soul led me to these activities.

Sometimes what I refer to as ‘The Spiritual Alchemy Quest, others refer to as the dark night of the soul and others refer to it as a mid life crisis. And I vehemently believe that all high performers and high achievers and especially high performing LEADERS need to embark on this Quest.

You see as human beings we all need a sense of adventure don’t we? And a Quest is an adventure isn’t it?. They are of course different words for the same experience. When you ask yourself a set of questions, you REALLY want to ask, that unfolds the journeys that I mention here.

I asked the question what is my life’s purpose? It was more of a prayer. I found myself in August 2017 asking God for a purposeful life. Although I have been a practicing social worker since 1991, I found that this was not what God was calling me to anymore. God wanted something more from me. I felt it in my bones in August 2017. Up to this point, I had ignored the feeling, the desire, the calling. But maybe because I had slowed down because I was in Karachi as opposed to being in London where I usually live, enabled me to hear the calling, to hear God’s voice. Maybe because I found myself sitting in long periods of silence during this three week visit to Karachi, I was pulled to re-examine my life, like I had never examined it before. All I knew as I invested in a self-care practice which I didn’t usually do in London, taking a siesta in the afternoon, in other words sleeping in the afternoon, this led me to feel this vacuum, this deep hole in my life. My soul felt this anguish that I had never felt before. I kept realising how unfulfilled I was. And the only time I didn’t feel unfulfilled, was when I was writing or delivering a lecture or facilitating workshops with other high performing leaders. These times were few and far between but I remembered how my soul felt so at peace whenever I did these activities.

And so at the age of 48 years old, I found myself re-examining my life. And I know now, I would not have been able to if I had not slowed down. Being in Karachi, I didn’t have to do the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the washing. I had all this free time. I also did not take much to read, a copy of the Qur’an in Arabic and with the English Translation and a thin book of some of Rumi’s poems. I didn’t take anything to study. For the first time in my life, I really simplified my three weeks not pushing myself to learn as I used to do. Having studied under a muslim female scholar, since 1993, usually on holiday or on family visits, I would take some books to study or some notes to type up. I have committed myself to studying for most of my life. After all that is what a scholar is a student committed to studying? However this visit in August 2017, I decided to be easy on myself and dedicate it to being with myself, my sons and my husband and my husband’s family and if I wrote anything it was  journal notes or a few poems.

So sitting in silence, slowing down, simplifying and investing in self-care during this visit to Karachi, led me to explore the relationships with myself, God and my fellow human beings and the air, fire, water and earth within me and the animals and plants within me and around me.

I remember the black crows I saw in Karachi and the eagles and seeing the cats and the dogs. I also remember the goats and the cows I saw being fed and watered and nurtured the few days before the sacrifice that takes place on Eid day.  There was one goat in my husband’s family house I remember in particular, his name was Delta that I watched carefully from the moment he was brought to the house a few days before Eid.

My husband and my sons fed him, watered him and they all got very attached to him. I could see the sadness in his eyes. He was in an alien environment and separated from his family and the other goats he had been with, he was totally reliant on us. I saw how he just took to the new environment and just accepted it. He did not try to escape. Each animal has it’s own personality. Delta indeed did. He was very friendly.  I had seen other goats who were very aggressive, very cautious or guarded. Not Delta. I am wary around animals usually but with Delta, I fed him and watered him too. He was very compliant. And then the day Eid ul Adha came, the day the animals were sacrificed. Following the tradition when Abraham sacrificed the ram instead of his son, us muslims do the same, sacrificing an animal too. The meat is then distributed amongst your family, the poor and you keep a third for yourself. Those who are vegan or vegetarian muslims don’t sacrifice an animal but instead cook a big vegetarian or vegan dish and feast together with their family, friends and the poor. Abraham’s story marks a new beginning and a clear statement from God that he never wanted or wished or likes anyone to sacrifice their child. As in Abraham’s day it was common practice to sacrifice human children to God or the gods. Unfortunately the story is not usually understood this way in traditional muslim circles and in the mosques the usual narrative is recited that Abraham was tested by God to see if he would sacrifice his only son. Having explored my relationship with God and having studied this story with Imams, Rabbis and Pastors this interpretation makes sense to me.

Back to The Spiritual Alchemy Quest, when it came to exploring my relationships in August 2017, I started doing this in a deeper way. This led me to connect to my real thoughts and feelings regarding my relationship with God, my husband and myself. This inevitably led me to express them. My husband was shocked. He hadn’t heard me say what I REALLY felt and what I REALLY thought. Usually I used to bury my real eelings and thoughts and carry on. I felt in August 2017 and early September 2017 that I could not. No matter how much I tried, I could not deny them.

You see once you connect to your REAL thoughts and feelings, it is hard to deny them again. Once you have heard the thought, or felt the feeling, to deny them is almost impossible. Your heart feels heavy if you push them down again. Your soul feels heavy. Your gut feels it is on fire. Your body starts acting in strange ways, vomiting or feeling indigestion. And I found a certain freedom within me to accept this is how I felt. Even though the thoughts and feelings were very unsettling and deeply uncomfortable, they showed me that I was no longer numb. I felt for the first time in a very long time a human being and not how I usually felt a human doing.

Despite the pain, the anguish, the anger, the angst, the sorrow, the regret, I was feeling then, I  accepted and embraced all these feelings. I let myself feel the depth and breadth of them. Feeling them led me to feel a freedom, I had not felt for many years. Looking back, when I did this although it felt like I was going deep into the dark sea of these feelings,and many a time, I felt like I was drowning and not knowing if I was going to make it safe to dry land, I also knew I had to go deep and explore and excavate these feelings, otherwise I would lose any meaning for my life. I felt my soul would die. I felt I would be living a life not worth living.

I didn’t know this then but diving into the dark sea of emotions was me being enlightened. Light cannot be experienced unless you have experienced the dark. Faith cannot be experienced unless you have doubted.  I didn’t know this then that what I had embarked upon was my very own spiritual alchemy quest. By questioning everything to do with my life, I was on an adventure to find the very meaning of life.

I did not know where this adventure would lead me. I was as M Scott Peck says taking “The Road Less Travelled”. I am so glad that I did. Because it has led me to live a fulfilled life. My life five years later is richer, more interesting and full of meaning, professionally and personally.

Conclusion

However I know this, my life would not be like it is now if I had not slowed down, simplified my life, sat in silence and invested in self-care. My life would not be this rich and fulfilled if I had not explored each and everyone of my relationships and excavated all these feelings and thoughts buried within me and expressed to myself, God and my husband about what I really felt and thought. 

Yes my life is full of JOY, because I embarked on the quest. I did it by myself. You don’t have to. You can have me as a guide on your side whilst you embark on the personal alchemy journey. I can meet with you as you slow down, after you sit in silence, as you simplify. You see when you have been working so hard most of your life, it is hard to slow down. I know you struggle with this. I know you struggle with self-care. I know you also struggle with exploring your relationships. Having a trusted mentor who facilitates the time and space and provides the non judgemental container for you to explore these relationships and is a witness to the excavation of your real thoughts and relationships is so exciting and fun. You can practice expressing your real thoughts and feelings with me before you share them with loved ones.

If you feel you are ready to embark on the quest, why don’t you apply to work with me. I am taking applications between now and the end of June. I have three places. As I said this is not a digital course. When you embark on the Quest, you meet with me on a regular basis on Zoom. It is a deep dive into you, what you really want. To apply click here.

https://calendly.com/contact-3453/application-to-apply-for-the-spiritual-alchemy-quest